According to Stephen Covey, author of the book: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, you are an emotionally mature man if you know how to express your needs and beliefs while considering the needs, beliefs and feelings of others.
So assertiveness means you possess the ability to express yourself.
On the other side, being respectful means you take into account other people’s world.
Both are important for emotional maturity.
If you don’t balance them properly, it can lead to issues.
For example, If you’ve had communication problems in your previous relationships, or are experiencing them in your current one, you might have this exact imbalance.
You will see what I’m talking about in the following two scenarios.
What Makes You, As A Man, Emotionally Immature? When You Are Assertive But Inconsiderate
If you’re highly assertive, and at the same time exhibit inconsiderate behavior, the relationships you’re in probably revolve around you.
In that sort of dynamic, what naturally happens is that your partner is probably neglecting their sense of self to fit your world.
Be keeping this up, you build long term dissatisfaction and resentment in your partner.
And…
If your girlfriend, or wife, is dissatisfied and resentful, do you think you will be happy?
Regardless of that, do you really want them to be in the first place?
To hammer this point home, I’ll share with you a personal story.
Lack of Maturity In The Past – Use This To Learn From My Mistake
In my first 4 year relationship I was so high on the assertive side that the entire dynamic came down to: “my way or the highway” principle.
It seemed appealing, but along the way I figured that it’s not the correct approach in building something meaningful.
My ego was going through the roof as well as my partner’s dissatisfaction.
Maturing, I realized that a “we” environment is much more optimal instead of a “me” dynamic.
The latter one makes emotional cooperation and interdependence impossible.
Self-Examination
If you found yourself in this category, you might be someone who listens with the intent to respond, not to understand.
If that’s the case, you might want to start studying and practicing empathic listening.
Put in simple terms, empathic listening is:
Listening with the intent to understand another person’s paradigm – why they feel the way they do and think the way they do.
This creates a shift from purely noticing data in a conversation with your partner to noticing the emotions and the “why” behind them without trying to solve anything.
Now that you’ve learned about the first scenario and how to improve, let’s move on to the second one.
Second Case of An Emotionally Immature Man – When You Are Considerate, Yet Unassertive
One way you can figure out if this is you is if you give in quickly in arguments and by checking if you resonate with the following mindset.
“I would do anything to maintain peace.”
With this mentality, you might end up with a woman who is more on the assertive side and less considerate, put your needs to the side and take care of hers.
This can lead to you feeling dissatisfied and resentful in the long run.
For both scenarios, keep in mind that you might be in one scenario with one type of girl and in another with another type.
They are not mutually exclusive.
That said, I’ll share with you another story you can use as a lesson.
Being Too Considerate And Having The Savior Complex
I was talking to this girl a couple of years ago.
Everything was decent, making plans for the first date, and then she shared with me something heavy and traumatic that happened to her.
Once I heard the story, my heroic side lit up!
“I’m going to heal her, save her, fix her broken wing.”
That’s what I thought.
Well, not only did I not do that but I learned the hard way that, having a strong protector side, this sort of early stage trauma dumping can be a hook into an emotional bond.
Now that you have learned that both being too assertive and too considerate can be a problem, you will learn what an emotionally mature man actually is.
How Does Emotional Maturity Look Like In A Man? You Are Both Assertive And Considerate
If you are striving to increase your emotional maturity, you should approach every situation with your partner by aiming to achieve a win-win outcome.
Everyone Wins Mindset Example – You Are High In Assertiveness And High In Consideration
Look at the following sentence of you being a thoughtful leader when it comes to choosing a movie you and your partner will watch together.
“Babe, I know you said you like comedies, and I want to make sure you enjoy the evening. I’d also like to watch an action movie. I will choose a film that combines both genres.”
As a result, both of you are satisfied because your preferences were considered.
The only downside to achieving this level of emotional maturity is that you will also need the same balanced approach and maturity from your partner.
So the amount of people you can build something with is smaller but higher in quality.
Self-Awareness Questionnaire To Help You Determine Whether You Are Balanced
There you have it, hopefully this new knowledge will bring awareness into your life and help you become a more balanced and mature man.
If you need further help, I encourage you to book a discovery call with me so I can assess your individual situation and help you grow.
You can do so by exploring the principled man coaching where I guide men like you into becoming respected leaders in their current or future relationships.
FAQ
What are the signs of an emotionally mature man?
The signs of an emotionally mature man are that he knows how to express his needs and beliefs while also considering the needs and feelings of his partner.
In other words, he is both assertive and considerate.
He does not approach the relationship with a “me” dynamic, but with a “we” mindset.
He aims for win-win outcomes, where both people’s preferences are taken into account.
He also practices empathic listening, meaning he listens to understand why his partner feels and thinks the way she does instead of only listening to respond or solve the problem.
What causes emotional immaturity in men?
Emotional immaturity in men can come from an imbalance between assertiveness and consideration.
A man may be highly assertive but inconsiderate, which creates a relationship dynamic that revolves around him and leads to dissatisfaction and resentment in his partner.
It can also show up on the other extreme, when a man is very considerate but unassertive.
In that case, he may quickly give in during arguments, neglect his own needs, and become dissatisfied and resentful over time.
How can a man develop emotional maturity?
A man can develop emotional maturity by learning to balance assertiveness and consideration.
This means expressing his own needs and beliefs clearly while also taking his partner’s feelings, needs, and perspective into account.
One practical way to grow in this area is by studying and practicing empathic listening.
Defined as listening with the intent to understand another person’s paradigm – why they feel the way they do and think the way they do.
This helps a man move beyond reacting only to the surface-level facts of a conversation and instead notice the emotions and reasons underneath.
He can also develop emotional maturity by aiming for win-win outcomes in conflicts and decisions, rather than trying to dominate or simply keep the peace at his own expense.